Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
🤣😂
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”