Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…