Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”