Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
You have been warned.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me