My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*