[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The Others (2001)
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The honesty is refreshing