Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
You Might Also Like
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Why is this me 😫
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I’m having an out of money experience.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*