[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
eggs benadryl
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..