You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
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As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.