GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Yoga Matt
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Pringles
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.