Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.