the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.