[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
my nickname in college
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Anyone really
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?