Nomnomnomnom
You Might Also Like
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
*pronounces UPS like yoops
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
waiting for halloween be like:
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread