It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*