Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.