BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
seems like a niche market
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.