I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.