It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
💻🤡
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Meanwhile in Portland…
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.