I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Everyone’s family
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*