When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
HELP 😭
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.