Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.