I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
🤣dope
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.