They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.