I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
(Gaming support cat.)
just leave it at the foot of the bed
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..