Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single