At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.