summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Lmao
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.