I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost