[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
😂😂
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.