Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.