If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
this is uni
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
good morning
Brother?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
monday
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”