Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
So creative 😂
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”