Black Friday “markdowns” like
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
you will never know the true number of layers
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….