Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
sigh
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees