Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses