There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
You Might Also Like
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first