A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
This why you should mind your business
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Overindulged this afternoon.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?