Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
asked my bf how work was today
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”