i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
mmm onion ringos
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.