Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
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Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
when you are just born a rebel
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.