My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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