Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*