when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.