“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Mornin
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.