I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.