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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek