5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
absolute chaos
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
😆this is so true
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer