*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.