Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
You Might Also Like
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating